Blogmas Day 8: Stress

For today's post, I thought I'd get a little deep with you guys. I won't lie to you, the last few weeks have proved majorly stressful for me. The pressures of "the future" have gotten a little too high, and I've realised just how quickly things have come around. 

I've got 4 months until my final essay for university is due in, and 7 months until my graduation. I've known for a while that I wanted to do a PGCE course after uni to become a primary school teacher, so the last few weeks have been a rush of completing uni deadlines, writing my UCAS teacher application, making sure my references are completed, and booking skills tests (before you can undertake the course, you have to have completed a Literacy and Numeracy skills test). To be frank, it's been utter chaos. I've never been used to this much pressure at one time. What if I'm not accepted? I have no backup at all, as much as I love it at home, there's no way I want to go back to living with my parents. 

With Christmas around the corner, I was expecting to be full of festive cheer, not struggling to find old GCSE certificates, spending money on train tickets for interviews and tests, researching current educational issues and curriculums, planning presentations, trying to focus on essays, all while trying to remain cheery for Christmas. It's hard work, and something I wasn't prepared for. 

It scares me; the idea that in just 8 days, I'll be 21. That by January, I'll know whether or not I'll be starting my PGCE in September. That in 6 months, I'll be leaving Canterbury, and all the amazing friends and memories that I've made here, not knowing how long Mr T and I will last outside of uni. That in September, all going well, that I will be starting a year-long intense teacher training course that will see the beginning of my planned career. That in 18 months, I may become a qualified teacher, and enter the "working world"... It's all hit me at once, and it's made me realise that I'm really not prepared for these changes. 

I don't want to grow up... 

I promise tomorrow will be more of a cheery post, but I just needed to vent a little. 

My degree choice

When we got given the topic of film for the #2014BloggerChallenge, I was immediately drawn to writing about my chosen university degree. For those of you who don't know, I do Film Studies at the University of Kent, a decision that I do not regret in the slightest! But even though I love my course, whenever I mention it, I still get sniggers from people who state that it's not a "real degree".

Sure, Film may not be as standard a degree as say, a science or Maths degree, but why does that make it any less valid? Of course a Maths or Science degree would be necessary to get into a career in that industry, but I've never had any interest in that field, so why would I choose to intensely study something for 3 years that I absolutely hate?

I was never 100% certain of what career path I wanted to go into. All I knew was that I had a passion for the creative subjects like English, Media and Film (all of which ended up being my 3 A-Level subjects!). Teaching was always a career option for me (that I'm choosing to pursue currently), but I only needed to do a PGCE (Post-Grad Certificate of Education - a year-long course, half spent studying, half placed in a school) after I had completed an undergraduate degree. So really, I could have picked any degree that I wanted, as long as I would be able to provide a suitable explanation for my choice when applying for PGCE courses.

I'm a firm believer of doing what you love, not what you think you should do. University has such a big effect of your life, it would be stupid to spend it doing something you hate, surely? For me, Film was something I loved to explore; analysing the meanings behind them, in some cases comparing them to the books they were adapted from, even creating my own film projects. It's something I really enjoy, so why should I be belittled because of that? If I'm going to pay a ridiculous amount of money for a degree, you can be damn sure I'm gonna enjoy it!

Changes

Over the last few weeks, I’ve been overcome with changes that have occurred in various aspects of my life. Although my work-load for uni hasn’t gone up by that much, my determination to complete my assignments to a high standard has. Last year, I didn’t really care that much about my work, purely because I knew I only needed 40% to pass the year, and whatever mark I did get didn’t actually count towards my final grade. Whereas now, I’m fully aware that whatever mark I get this year, will count as 40% of my overall degree. Now that’s scary. I’ve been a lot more motivated to complete my work to a high quality.

I’ve also been getting used to not living on campus. I moved into a lovely house with 5 amazing girls, about a 15-20 minute walk from campus. Although the distance isn’t an issue in the slightest, I’ve been adjusting to waking up earlier to allow time to walk to my lectures. It’s also been strange to not live a minute away from everyone else! Last year, it was so simple to visit friends, because the furthest anyone lived from me was 5 minutes! Now, it’s a 35 minute walk to see most of my friends, which is harder, but it also means I’ve been making more of an effort to make plans to see them, whereas before, I took for granted that they lived so close to me.

Compared to last year, I’ve rarely felt the need or want to go out at night. Whereas last year, I was out in the pub or clubs about 2-3 times a week, I’ve been perfectly happy to stay at home, having a film night with the girls, or going out for a meal  instead of spending the money on alcohol or taxi fares. Maybe it’s because the novelty of the fresher’s madness has worn off, and it’s a lot more effort to go out, rather than having everything available on campus. Whatever the case, I’ve found myself saving a lot more money!

The last change that’s affected me over the last few weeks, has been the return of a certain man in my life. Although I had no intention of anything like this happening, sometimes second chances aren’t the worst thing in the world, despite what other people might think. I’m not yet “in a relationship”, but this has been a huge change for me, considering how things have been for the last few months. Sometimes it’s just nice to have someone who you know you can talk to when you need them, and someone who’s there to give a cuddle when you’re feeling like shit.

Has anything changed for you recently?  For the better or for worse?

Long Distance Relationships.

September is upon us! Which means that thousands of new students will be joining the university ranks, which, in my opinion, is the best experience of your life! But anyway, as I thought about all the new freshers, I recalled last year, when I myself was just a teeny tiny newbie (not that I’ve grown much in the last year), and how, despite how excited I was to be going to uni, I was nervous about whether or not my relationship would last.

I’d say I’m pretty qualified to talk about long distance relationships, as my last two have, at some point, involved distance. I was with my ex for 2 years prior to uni, and we were in a pretty good place as far as I can remember. When applying to unis, we knew that we wanted to do different things, so we both applied for different unis across different parts of the country. We didn’t worry about how hard it was going to be to stay together, as we knew that whatever decision we made about our uni choices was far more important to our later lives.

He ended up going off to Southampton, and me to Canterbury. That meant that if we wanted to visit each other, we’d have to get a train/coach into London, then back down again. We discussed everything before we left, having every intention of making things work, but as soon as we moved, I knew things weren’t going to last.

That sounds bad, but I did. It was inevitable. We were both enjoying ourselves far too much, and I’ll admit, I didn’t want to make an effort, because I was having too much fun where I was. I didn’t want to take a weekend out to go and visit, and I could slowly feel myself losing interest. As much as I still cared about him, it didn’t feel like a relationship anymore, and when we went home for Christmas, things weren’t the same in the slightest. We broke up soon after that.

Another example is with my then uni boyfriend, who lives in Cambridgeshire, about a 2 hour journey from me. When we went home for our Easter break, the distance had an opposite affect on our relationship. Instead of making us drift apart, I found myself making a ridiculous amount of effort to make contact with him, that I’ve never experienced before. I longed for our nightly 3 hours Skype chats, and I was so excited when we did get to visit each other. If anything, the distance made me love him even more, because of all that anticipation.

There’s no telling what way a relationship can go when it’s long distance. All I can say, is that if you’re both willing to make the effort to see and talk to each other regularly, I don’t see why things couldn’t work out. But I can’t stress this enough: never choose to stay close to home or go to the same uni as your partner, just because you’re worried about breaking up. You’re still young, do what’s best for you, and if it’s meant to be, you’ll find a way to make it work between you.

Comfort Zones

In the last year, since going to university, I’ve changed a hell of a lot. Even my friends and family back home have noticed a difference in me, almost a new-found confidence.

I was always the shy, quiet girl growing up. Always. When the other girls in my class were piling on the makeup, and going through loads of boyfriends, I was quite content to sit at home, just reading a book or something. I was perfectly happy in my own company, in a calm environment that I could control. I loved going out with friends, don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t a complete loner. But I really did enjoy just being at home with my family.

It wasn’t until I started uni that I really found myself, however cheesy that sounds. I quickly found myself as part of an amazing group of friends, who really have made my entire uni experience as perfect as it could have been. Even though my friends have played a big part in making me come out of my shell more, I don’t actually think that’s the main reason…

This sounds vain, but honestly, I think a big part in building my confidence has been because of the attention I’ve received from guys since being here. Growing up, I was never the “pretty” one, partly because I never really cared how I looked. So I never received much attention from the boys I knew, which I didn’t care about anyway. It wasn’t until my first year of sixth form, that I really started to make an effort, but even then, if the guys I knew did find me attractive, they never said, because they knew my boyfriend at the time.

But as soon as I went to university, I was immersed into a completely new environment where I didn’t know a single person. And in that first week, I’d received way more attention than I have in my whole life before then. It was an odd experience, and it sounds vain – well, it is vain! – but I really did enjoy it.

It’s a part of being female: we can’t help but love being admired. It’s embedded in our brains to enjoy receiving this attention, and because I’d never received it before, it felt really nice. It made me feel a lot better about myself, which in return, made me a hell of a lot more confident.

Before uni, I hated meeting new people. I was more than happy to stay in my circle of friends. But now, I love going out and meeting everyone! I love getting to know people, and stepping out of my comfort zone to make new friends. I can’t imagine how different my experience would have been had I not stepped out of that zone – I’d have way less friends, for a start!

I guess what I’m trying to say here, is that although comfort zones are, well, comforting, sometimes it’s better to step out of those, do something different, something out of character. Because who knows, it may just make you feel a hell of a lot better about yourself.

Shifting the "Essex Girl" stigma.

I've lived in Essex my entire life. I love being in such close proximity to London, without being completely immersed in the hustle and bustle the magnificent city brings. I've always known about the stereotypical image that coming from Essex gives us, but until I came to university, it was never an issue for me.

The main culprit of this "Essex girl image" is none other than the show TOWIE. The Only Way Is Essex provides the public with this "entertainment", showing us the lives of real Essex folk. Real meaning fake, of course!

Fake tan, vajazzles, that goddamn "I'm from Essex so I'm going to speak like a complete fool" accent, it all adds up to my complete annoyance at the show, providing the public with a completely false representation of the county I come from. It embarrasses me that people associate me with this show.

When I went to the University of Kent for my first year in September 2012, I was overwhelmed by the amount of people that said they could tell I'm from Essex. I neither look nor sound like a stereotypical Essex girl. I never have. Friends back home always tell me I sound "posh", not like I'm from Essex. Maybe it's that I just don't sound that Essex-y that people at home don't notice it, but people from other parts of the country can.

Whatever the case, I am definitely not a stereotypical Essex girl. I've never used fake tan or dyed my hair, I do not plaster my face in make up (in fact, the only times I ever actually wear the stuff, is on a night out!), and I don't talk as if I have lost half of my brain cells.

I'd love to hear from my fellow Essex girls! Do you guys have the same issue? Or do you embrace your inner Essex?