Grief

This week, I've experienced my first real feeling of grief. The only people in my life who have passed away before now, were my great-grandparents. Although that was sad, they had lived in the North my whole life, so I very rarely saw them. I didn't know them very well, and I don't have any strong memories that tied me to them. So although yes, it was sad, I never experienced that grief. 

Last week, my grandad passed away. He'd been ill for the last 10 years or so as his lungs were failing after his smoking habits when he was younger (don't smoke, kids!). He lived in Cornwall with his wife, so we'd drive down to see him every year. It was sad to see his health deteriorate every time we saw him, but unlike my great grandparents, I have vivid memories of him from when I was younger, so even though we had been expecting this for years, it was a huge shock to the system when we actually heard the news. 

Luckily, I was staying with Mr. T. when I found out, so had access to unlimited hugs when I needed them, and it was easier to distract myself from being sad as I wasn't just wallowing in my room. I was experiencing sporadic explosions of tears on the day he passed, but I calmed down a lot after that first day. Of course I was still upset, but I was thinking more about the memories I have of him before he got ill, and was glad that he no longer had to constantly be hooked up to his oxygen tank. 

The normal grieving process is that you have the initial shock, the initial emotions, the acceptance, and then the funeral. The funeral is where the whole family can gather, everyone that loved the one you lost, together in one place, to say their last goodbyes...

But of course, things can't always be that simple with my family. 

In the last few days, my mum, my aunt, me, my brother and sister, and my cousins - every direct family member - have been blocked (our numbers and Facebook profiles) by his wife. For no reason at all. My mum has been nothing but supportive, not just in the last week, but throughout the entire time we've known her. And as soon as he's no longer with us, she drops us like flies. 

My aunt rang the funeral director in the hopes of finding out when the funeral is, as we have no way of contacting her to find out. She was told that she has specifically requested that he not tell anyone when or where the funeral is taking place, and because she is the next of kin, he has to respect her wishes. 

How anyone can be so cruel, so evil, as to stop someone from going to their own dad's funeral is simply disgusting. Grief does some weird things to people, but we can't pin in down to that. There's no excuse for what she's done, and quite frankly, she can rot for all I care! At the end of the day, we can live knowing that we did absolutely nothing wrong to warrant being treated like that. She has to live with the guilt of stopping her late husband's family from saying goodbye to him. 

We will of course be having our own memorial back home, planting a tree in our garden for him, and setting off some helium balloons, and remembering him how we'd like to - without this horrible, evil, bitch of a woman in tow.

It just puts everything from the last 15 years into question. We welcomed her into our family. We thought she'd accepted us as family too. But what if all of it was a lie? What if she was playing us all from the start? Maybe she was always after the little money my grandad had, so as soon as he is gone, she wants nothing more to do with us. If there is truth to that, I just don't see why she couldn't have waited until after the funeral to drop us. She's a disgusting, evil woman, and I'm glad to have nothing to do with her from now on.

I know this has been a very ranty post, and to be honest, I'm not even sure if I'm going to upload it. I've always said that this blog is a form of therapy for me, and I just needed to write out my feelings. I don't expect anyone to have finished this post, but if you have, thank you. I hope that none of you have to experience anything like this when you're trying to grieve a loved one.