Friday 30 August 2013

A Failed Summer

Having finally received the key to my new house through my door this morning, I’ve been overwhelmed by the excitement of going back to university in 2 weeks. In fact, I’d go as far to say that I’m even more excited to go back than I was last year, when everything was completely new.

To tell you the truth, this summer has been shit. What, at the start of June, promised to be a summer of catching up with friends, visiting the boyfriend, and the prospect of a summer job, turned out to be me sitting at home all day, with no job, no boyfriend, and no money. Joyous, right?

I’ve caught up with my friends a couple of times, sure, but for the most part, while I’m stuck at home, most of my friends are always busy with work or boyfriends, and when they do want to go out, it always involves money, which I have none of!

I had 3 job interviews over the course of summer, and obviously, was unsuccessful for them all. What is it that makes me so unemployable? Is it my fault that the 3 jobs I have had were only 1 month contracts? I’ve had experience in retail and childcare, so it’s not like I’m completely limited. Maybe I’m just disliked by employers…

And of course, the inevitable “no boyfriend” moaning. Instead of me spending the summer visiting him in Cambridgeshire (which, in the end, saved me travel money. So thanks for that, I guess!), I spent it sat at home, moping about how much I miss the bastard. How perfect.


Maybe the reason I’m so excited to go back, is because this time, I know I have some amazing friends to go back and spend time with, some really lovely girls to live with, and of course, my beautiful student loan to live off! I’ll finally get back my nights out, and perhaps the best: a double bed! All hail the second year perks!

Be prepared for some uni-life blog posts in the coming weeks!

Sunday 25 August 2013

"Just Friends"?

Since my breakup in the middle of June, I’ve been through a whole sea of emotions, all of which have left me in a slight state of confusion. My relationship was a little different to others I know of, being that we started out as very good friends. In fact, I’d go as far as saying he was one of my best friends at uni before we started seeing each other. So when we broke up, I was left wondering the age-old question; can we ever go back to being “just friends”?

A few friends gave me examples of their past relationships, and how their “just friends” turned out to be friends with benefits, which of course, can only end in disaster. However, they were never friends first. I imagine it’d be hard for anyone to go from a relationship to friendship when it wasn’t built on friendship. They didn’t know what it was like to be friends in the first place.

I did a quick poll on Twitter last night, asking this very question, and I got mixed responses. Some said yes, some said no. One response in particular caught my eye though, which said it is possible to be friends, as long as the relationship isn’t spoken about.

I’m generally quite an emotional person, so when we broke up and agreed to be friends, I swarmed him with drunk “I miss you” messages, which of course, helped nothing at all! It got to the point where he stopped speaking to me completely because he was fed up of talking about feelings which, at the time, I hated him for, but now, I can understand. After all, if you’re trying to get over someone, the last thing you want is to be inundated with messages of how much they miss you.

After a series of other events - I shan’t bore you with the details – we started talking again (no mention of feelings or emotions, though), and we’re basically back to how we were before the relationship. I can talk to him about anything, we can still joke around and have the banter we had before, and I’m genuinely happy that things can go back to that stage.

However, I am a bit dubious. What if keeping him in my life in such a big way is stopping me from moving on? People have told me to cut him out of my life completely, but the thought of that makes me a little bit sick. Yes, it probably is the best thing to do, but I honestly can’t stand the thought of not having him there, as a friend.

Another thing worries me. As we’re in the same friendship group at uni, when we go out, we always go out as a big group. Even though it’d be completely out of character for him, what if I saw him kissing another girl in a club or something? Even though it wouldn’t be my place to tell him not to do those things, I don’t think my heart could take it if I saw him with another girl.


I still haven’t seen him in person since June, and I’m fully prepared for the inevitable awkwardness. But I actually believe that it is possible for us to go back to how we were. Yes, it’s going to be difficult, and I know that there’ll be times where I’ll wish it could be more, but I’m perfectly happy in the knowledge that for now, I have my friend back.

Monday 12 August 2013

The Simple Things

It’s been a long summer… I’ve been home from uni since the middle of June, and yeah, it was fun at first, but I’d be lying if I said I haven’t spent the last few weeks at home, in my pyjamas, spending all day on The Sims. When it gets to the point where you have no money to be able to go out and enjoy yourself, it gets boring. And I can’t wait to go back!

But because I’ve been spending so much time at home, I’ve come to realise just how much I can enjoy the simple things. Last week, me and my good friend, Laura, decided that we would go for a walk along the south bank of the Thames. Being in such close proximity to London, it’s easy for us to do little things like that.

Although we didn’t even do much apart from walk (a long way, I might add!), it was nice to just talk to her about the things going on in our lives, while enjoying the sights. I really do love London, and even though it’s hard to see past the hustle and bustle of tourists sometimes, it really is a beautiful place.




I’ve decided that for the rest of the summer, if there’s a day when I’m stuck at home, instead of complaining about boredom, I’ll go out and do something. Even if it’s something as trivial as a walk through my local park, I’ll try and find the beauty in it, and snap a picture or two for this very blog. Maybe finding beauty in everything will help to cover up the bad things.

Saturday 10 August 2013

Everything Changes

My dear friend, Rebekah, wrote a post yesterday about how much has changed in the past year, and it got me thinking how exactly the same can be said about my life.

This time last year, I had just left sixth form, and was so sad that 7 years at that school were over. I really did have some of the best teachers, and made some amazing friends there. I'll always remember our sixth form leaver's meal at TGIs, getting drunk with our teachers, then me, Rebekah and our friend, Laura, writing our names on a balloon and releasing it into the night sky. It was a beautiful moment.

This time last year, I was 2 years into my relationship with my boyfriend at the time, and although it was by no means a "perfect" relationship, we were content just sailing through and making things work.

This time last year, I was in a large group of friends, and we'd go out most nights of the week, drinking, and just generally having a good time. It was probably one of the best summers I've ever had.

This time last year, I hated meeting new people. I had my group of friends, and I was perfectly happy to stick with them whenever we went out; i'd never try talking to new people.

A year on, I've completed my first year of university, and have never enjoyed myself as much as I have this year. There's still elements of sixth form that I'll miss, but I believe that going to my uni was the best decision I've ever made.

A year on, my 2 and a half year relationship ended, leading me into a new one, which as I'm sure you all know, recently ended too. I'm still at a point where I'm trying to get past the ache in my heart.

A year on, and more than half of the friends I had last summer, I can barely call them friends now. I knew that going to uni would change things, and show who my true friends are, and now I can count with just a few fingers who my true friends are from home. The others completely stopped making an effort to talk to me, which made me realise that they're no longer worth my efforts either. Not to say that I don't still like them, I just wouldn't consider them my "true friends".

A year on, and my confidence has soured. I LOVE meeting new people now, and by allowing myself to do that, I've met some of the best people I've ever met, all at uni. Through being more confident, I've made some friends that I know I'll still be in contact with long after uni.

Change is good, it allows you to grow as a person. Sometimes the change might affect you in a negative way, but ultimately, it makes you who you are. Whatever it is, it'll pass eventually, and something else will come along to change the negatives into a positive.

Thursday 8 August 2013

Get Over It

Get over it. That’s what they say, isn’t it. When a relationship, or even a friendship ends, whenever you express a moment of sadness, anger, or any emotion at all, the advice everybody gives you is to just “move on and get over it”. But it’s really not that simple.

My relationship ended almost 2 months ago. That’s a long time. And it still hurts to this day. Obviously I’ve gotten used to it now, so it’s not as bad as it was at first, but the pain is still there. And I have a feeling that’s not going to change anytime soon. It’s the same with a friendship ending. Most normal people don’t go from speaking or seeing this one person all the time, to being absolutely fine with no contact at all. It’s hard, and to me, that just shows how much you loved and cared for that person. It shows that they were an important part of your life.

But when friends or family tell you to just “move on”… I’m not gonna lie, that really just pisses me off. Do they really think I’m heartless enough to just not care about that person anymore? I’m quite an emotional person anyway, so if someone comes into my life and makes a big impact on it, I attach myself to them in a big way. I open up to them more than I would anyone else, and it makes me more vulnerable from it.

I recently started talking to my ex again, and even though I’m really glad we can still talk like we did before we were together, there’s still that part of me that wishes we could go back to a couple of months ago. Friends have told me that it’ll be harder to get over him if I keep talking to him like this, but really, I don’t think it’s gonna make much difference. It’s going to be hard regardless, at least now I don’t have that voice in the back of my head screaming that I wish he’d just talk to me.

My inspiration for this post was from Debi. She writes a “Thought of the Day” each Tuesday, and this week’s included a quote from Dr. Seuss.



 It got me thinking that yes, I am still gutted that our relationship didn’t work, but the reality is, it wouldn’t be good for either of us to go back to how we were. But at least I’ll always have the memories of the good times we had, and how when we were happy, we really were happy. And I’m content with the fact that we can at least still go back to being the good friends that we were before.


So if any of your friends or family is upset over losing someone close to them, don’t tell them to “get over it”. Support them, and show them that you’re there for them. Because with something like this, they just need to know that they have people who they can turn to.

Monday 5 August 2013

Comfort Zones

In the last year, since going to university, I’ve changed a hell of a lot. Even my friends and family back home have noticed a difference in me, almost a new-found confidence.

I was always the shy, quiet girl growing up. Always. When the other girls in my class were piling on the makeup, and going through loads of boyfriends, I was quite content to sit at home, just reading a book or something. I was perfectly happy in my own company, in a calm environment that I could control. I loved going out with friends, don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t a complete loner. But I really did enjoy just being at home with my family.

It wasn’t until I started uni that I really found myself, however cheesy that sounds. I quickly found myself as part of an amazing group of friends, who really have made my entire uni experience as perfect as it could have been. Even though my friends have played a big part in making me come out of my shell more, I don’t actually think that’s the main reason…

This sounds vain, but honestly, I think a big part in building my confidence has been because of the attention I’ve received from guys since being here. Growing up, I was never the “pretty” one, partly because I never really cared how I looked. So I never received much attention from the boys I knew, which I didn’t care about anyway. It wasn’t until my first year of sixth form, that I really started to make an effort, but even then, if the guys I knew did find me attractive, they never said, because they knew my boyfriend at the time.

But as soon as I went to university, I was immersed into a completely new environment where I didn’t know a single person. And in that first week, I’d received way more attention than I have in my whole life before then. It was an odd experience, and it sounds vain – well, it is vain! – but I really did enjoy it.

It’s a part of being female: we can’t help but love being admired. It’s embedded in our brains to enjoy receiving this attention, and because I’d never received it before, it felt really nice. It made me feel a lot better about myself, which in return, made me a hell of a lot more confident.

Before uni, I hated meeting new people. I was more than happy to stay in my circle of friends. But now, I love going out and meeting everyone! I love getting to know people, and stepping out of my comfort zone to make new friends. I can’t imagine how different my experience would have been had I not stepped out of that zone – I’d have way less friends, for a start!

I guess what I’m trying to say here, is that although comfort zones are, well, comforting, sometimes it’s better to step out of those, do something different, something out of character. Because who knows, it may just make you feel a hell of a lot better about yourself.