Vulnerability

I’ve been struggling for the last few months with the feeling of vulnerability. Not wanting to do or say certain things so that I don’t have to feel like the “weak one”, even though me holding back doesn’t stop me from actually wanting to say or do those things. I’m still vulnerable on the inside, it just doesn’t show as much on the outside - who am I kidding, it still shows!

I was reading Hannah’s blog post about coping with a breakup, and I’ve never related to a post this much before. Not only did it remind me of how I felt after my breakup over the summer, but also how I still feel now, even though we’ve been back together since September.

Feeling so attached to one person is scary. It was scary when our relationship ended, as I felt like I’d lost a huge part of myself, but it’s still scary now. To think that I’m sharing my life with this one guy, who I can’t even be sure feels as strongly about me as I do him, just makes me worry that it could all shatter, just like it did last time. Maybe even more so.

Investing so many feelings and emotions into one person makes you vulnerable. It makes every tiny thing bigger than it actually is. If he doesn’t text you back, it makes you worry that he’s losing interest. If he doesn’t talk to you as much as you’d like, it makes you worry that he doesn’t care enough. If he doesn’t tell you how he feels enough, it makes you worry that it’s because he just doesn’t care about you at all.

All of these insignificant worries are all because of vulnerability. Opening your heart to someone can be a truly wonderful thing. It can make you happy beyond belief, to know that you have another half to make up your whole. To have someone that you care so much about that you’d drop the world for them, and know that they’d do the same.

But at the same time, my fear of being vulnerable has prevented me from saying what or doing what I really want to. Maybe it’s a fear of rejection, or a fear of showing how much I care… It’ll leave me exposed…

There’s nothing wrong with letting your guard down and showing people how you feel. You just need to break past that barrier of fear and weakness which unfortunately, is a lot easier said that done.