Emotional Attachment

Ooooh, it's been a while, hasn't it! Complaining about relationship issues was my favourite topic until things started to run smoothly! It's not that I'm writing this to complain exactly, but more to vent my frustrations.

My relationship with Mr. T. is a little... unconventional, I suppose. Unlike most couples I know, we don't talk everyday; something that used to bother me a lot. It made me feel like he didn't care about me enough to ask how I was, or to see what I was up to, or even just to chat for the sake of chatting to his girlfriend. And then I'd do that stupid girl thing and look at when he was last online on Facebook and WhatsApp (stalking sessions are the best) and find out that he'd been talking to his friends perfectly fine, or absent-mindedly scrolling though his newsfeed to pass the time, but couldn't find any spare moment in the day to talk to me. I mean long-distance relationships are hard enough already without the added annoyance of one half's neglect for communication (I'm not just talking texts here: phone calls, Skype, WhatsApp, FaceBook Messenger, everything). He'd rather spend his free time with his friends or on his PS3, which bothered me immensely before I realised it wasn't that important, as long as there wasn't huge gaps between talking, and when we did talk, there was actual conversation there, not just pointless chatter.

We've both been really happy for the last few months. But as I mentioned, our relationship isn't as standard as most. With me, it takes a while for me to trust someone, to be able to let them into my life in such a big way. But when I do, I open up fully to them. And I really begin to fall for them. The big L-O-V-E. Mr. T. on the other hand, has always been a closed book. We've been together for over a year (not including our blip last year), but he's never been able to fully open up, never been able to say those words to me, because he's scared of emotional attachment.

And the thing that bothers me is that he won't tell me exactly what it is that's so hard to let himself go, to feel these emotions that everyone else seems perfectly capable of feeling after a certain time. I know that him not being able to feel these things doesn't lessen how much he cares about me, but still, I can't say that it doesn't bother me, because it really does. Imagine being in a relationship with someone who you love entirely, even through all their faults and annoyances, who you know no other girl would put up with... but who, for some reason, can't reciprocate that same emotion.

I don't want this to give the impression that I'm in a bad relationship, because I'm really not. We're both the happiest we've ever been together. It's just when we're apart for long periods of time, it makes me think about these things a lot more than I would normally. It's just a little shitty, I guess...

Vulnerability

I’ve been struggling for the last few months with the feeling of vulnerability. Not wanting to do or say certain things so that I don’t have to feel like the “weak one”, even though me holding back doesn’t stop me from actually wanting to say or do those things. I’m still vulnerable on the inside, it just doesn’t show as much on the outside - who am I kidding, it still shows!

I was reading Hannah’s blog post about coping with a breakup, and I’ve never related to a post this much before. Not only did it remind me of how I felt after my breakup over the summer, but also how I still feel now, even though we’ve been back together since September.

Feeling so attached to one person is scary. It was scary when our relationship ended, as I felt like I’d lost a huge part of myself, but it’s still scary now. To think that I’m sharing my life with this one guy, who I can’t even be sure feels as strongly about me as I do him, just makes me worry that it could all shatter, just like it did last time. Maybe even more so.

Investing so many feelings and emotions into one person makes you vulnerable. It makes every tiny thing bigger than it actually is. If he doesn’t text you back, it makes you worry that he’s losing interest. If he doesn’t talk to you as much as you’d like, it makes you worry that he doesn’t care enough. If he doesn’t tell you how he feels enough, it makes you worry that it’s because he just doesn’t care about you at all.

All of these insignificant worries are all because of vulnerability. Opening your heart to someone can be a truly wonderful thing. It can make you happy beyond belief, to know that you have another half to make up your whole. To have someone that you care so much about that you’d drop the world for them, and know that they’d do the same.

But at the same time, my fear of being vulnerable has prevented me from saying what or doing what I really want to. Maybe it’s a fear of rejection, or a fear of showing how much I care… It’ll leave me exposed…

There’s nothing wrong with letting your guard down and showing people how you feel. You just need to break past that barrier of fear and weakness which unfortunately, is a lot easier said that done.

The Quiet Place Project

This post is a little different than usual. Instead of a random life story, I'm going to introduce you all to one of my favourite websites. I first saw someone post a link on Twitter, and I've never seen anything like this before.

The Quite Place Project is the most relaxing, calming website I've ever experienced. It allows you to stop for a minute, and just be with your thoughts, without checking your phone for messages, or scrolling through all the pointless statuses on Facebook. To me, it's perfection. 

I'm one of those people that reply on technology way too much. Where I'm a student, and spend the majority of time in my room, I've become extremely reliant on the internet. Whether it's browsing through the many social networking sites, watching TV shows or films on Netflix, or even shopping, I spend way too much time doing pointless things. This website allows me to take a little time away from that, to just relax. 

There are different "rooms" within the website: the quiet place, the 90 seconds relaxation exercise, the thoughts room, the dawn room and the comfort spot. 

Although each room is amazing, my favourite is without a doubt the thoughts room. As I'm sure you're all aware, I'm one of those people that overthink everything. Even the simplest things, I will overthink. I mean, why else did I start this blog? I needed somewhere where I could vent all of my thoughts and feelings so I wouldn't feel like I was going to implode! The thoughts room helps me to somewhat tackle this issue. There is a status bar, where you can write any thoughts or emotions that are going through your head. And as you type, you watch the words beautifully explode into stars, allowing them to escape your mind, even if only for a little while. I encourage you all to try it; its simplicity works beautifully. 

I don't think enough people know about this website, and it definitely deserves more recognition. It's helped me to feel more relaxed when I've been stressed or overthinking again, and I guarantee it'll help you out too. 

Rose Tinted Spectacles

When you’re in a relationship with someone, things can get pretty intense. Especially if you’re away from home, at university, for example. Uni relationships (in the first year at least) can be pretty unhealthy. Because you both live in such close proximity, there isn’t the element of space that’s needed in real relationships. You see each other all the time, so feelings get a lot stronger, a lot quicker. This was the case in my last relationship, and even though I’m still not over it, my emotions have recently turned from upset to anger (which I much prefer, if I’m honest!), and I realised that our relationship was nowhere near as great as I thought it was. There was a lot wrong with it, but because of how much I loved and cared about him, I was seeing our relationship through rose tinted spectacles, ignoring the things that were wrong and enhancing the good parts.

After we broke up, I spent any free time I had sitting around moping, because I just didn’t see how things could have possibly gone so wrong. It wasn’t until something happened a couple of days ago (I shan’t go into any grimy details, but it angered me a LOT!) that the anger kicked in, and I really started to think about our relationship.

I realised it was never perfect at all. I think that the fact we were good friends first of all made me ignore some of his qualities that aren’t good in a relationship. And he never changed those qualities in order to make it work between us (which makes sense as to how we got to this point!). My good friend Melisa (go read her blog, it’s great!) told me to create a pros and cons list over our lunch date, and honestly? I felt so much better about the break up after this.

 I realised that the kind of guy he is right now, as much as it makes him a good friend, it wasn't right for a relationship. Not the kind of relationship that I want, anyway. If any of you are experiencing a break up, I’d definitely recommend a pros and cons list. It makes you think about things that you overlooked before, that, because you were so in love with this person, you didn’t see them as an issue. It made me realise that despite the fact he did make me happy at one point, the last few weeks of our relationship, I was miserable. I wasn’t myself at all, and it felt as if my entire happiness revolved around this one guy. It’s only now that I’ve come to realise that ending things was the best thing for us, and now I can finally go back to being the strong “I don’t need a guy to make me happy” girl I was before.  

Public vs. Private

I never used to be a very public person. I was always to quiet, shy kid in the corner, and even though I had a really close group of friends, I still didn’t tell them things about my private life that I didn’t feel the need to. In fact, one of my friends stopped talking to me for a week because she found out I liked a boy and hadn’t told her (oh the joys of secondary school).

But since moving away to university, I have a whole new found confidence, and I’ve completely come out of my shell. Apparently coming out of my shell means I have no issues telling anyone anything about my life! I’m not saying that’s necessarily a bad thing – it’s always good to share your feelings, and have people that you can talk to about anything that goes through your head.

But sometimes I feel like there should always be an element of privacy in your life. For example, if the littlest thing happens to me, or a thought goes through my head, the first thing I do is tell one of the girls. Usually in essay text messages (which I’m sure they love me for, by the way!).

I know that complaining about all this is contradicted by the fact that I write down any feelings I have into this very blog. But then again, I feel like this is a therapeutic way of doing things. It also allows random people of the internet who may be experiencing similar situations, feel like they’re not so alone. For example, I was reading Hannah’s blog the other night (which I highly recommend, by the way. She’s brilliant!), and she had written a similar post to my break up post that I wrote a few weeks ago. Just knowing that one other person is experiencing something similar, makes it that little bit easier.

I’m not saying you should tell everyone absolutely everything that goes through your head, but sometimes, a problem shared is a problem halved. It’s not a weakness to show people how you feel, and in the end, if it lifts some of the weight off your shoulder, surely that’s worth it?