I'm back...

So it's been a while... 2 years, actually... I don't know what it was that suddenly made me want to write on here, but whatever it was, I'm back, and I've got this rush inside me of wanting to bring back this very blog that made me so happy and calm. My little space of the internet, where I can write whatever I want, however I want. 

How are you? I used to have a nice little following on here. If you're currently reading this, and you used to be a follower, please let me know. In no way do I expect anyone to have stuck around or two years! But if by some miracle you have, thank you. And if you're new, welcome - it's good to have you on board!

I guess to start off with, happy new year! We have just entered 2018. I celebrated on my own, in my cosy bedroom with a bottle of Buck's Fizz and Netflix. To be perfectly honest, it was my ideal way of bringing in the new year. I've become a massive homebody over the last few years. Gone are the days of spending my evenings in nightclubs, with their obnoxiously loud music and hoards of sweaty drunks. I much prefer to spend time with my friends over a nice dinner, maybe a bar if I'm feeling particularly social, or even just a night in with Netflix and wine (can you see the theme here?). 

Maybe it would have been nice to have had my boyfriend with me to celebrate the new year (for any long-time readers, yes, I am still with dear old Tommy - we can hardly believe it either!), but I've become increasingly more comfortable at spending time on my own. Last year, I lived in a flat of my own, with my two gorgeous guinea pigs, so got very used to enjoying my own company. A few months ago, my sister got a job near me, so we decided to get a house together for a year - surprisingly, we keep out of each others way and haven't yet killed each other! 

2017 brought me a wealth of emotions. I started the year by risking a lot. I quit a job that I'd worked incredibly hard to get to, because it made me so miserable. Luckily, through closing that door, it opened a brand new one, and I am now working in a fantastically supportive environment that I actually want to wake up for. I met some incredible people this year, that have changed my outlook on a few things. I solidified friendships that already existed, spent precious time with both mine and Tommy's families, and fell even more in love with my guinea pigs. 

We also had some pretty tragic family news (more on this another time), that completely shook us all. But through the heartache and shittiness of it all, it showed that side of my family coming together in ways I've never seen before. It showed that I have some pretty incredible people in my life who I am so unbelievably proud to call my family. 

I won't promise to post on here weekly, or even monthly. From here, it's going to be a pretty casual place for me to unload my thoughts when I feel the need to. I do, however, have lots of ideas, so do stay tuned for that!

Here's to 2018 bringing us more joy, laughter and milestones (and hopefully getting me out of debt!!).

Grief

This week, I've experienced my first real feeling of grief. The only people in my life who have passed away before now, were my great-grandparents. Although that was sad, they had lived in the North my whole life, so I very rarely saw them. I didn't know them very well, and I don't have any strong memories that tied me to them. So although yes, it was sad, I never experienced that grief. 

Last week, my grandad passed away. He'd been ill for the last 10 years or so as his lungs were failing after his smoking habits when he was younger (don't smoke, kids!). He lived in Cornwall with his wife, so we'd drive down to see him every year. It was sad to see his health deteriorate every time we saw him, but unlike my great grandparents, I have vivid memories of him from when I was younger, so even though we had been expecting this for years, it was a huge shock to the system when we actually heard the news. 

Luckily, I was staying with Mr. T. when I found out, so had access to unlimited hugs when I needed them, and it was easier to distract myself from being sad as I wasn't just wallowing in my room. I was experiencing sporadic explosions of tears on the day he passed, but I calmed down a lot after that first day. Of course I was still upset, but I was thinking more about the memories I have of him before he got ill, and was glad that he no longer had to constantly be hooked up to his oxygen tank. 

The normal grieving process is that you have the initial shock, the initial emotions, the acceptance, and then the funeral. The funeral is where the whole family can gather, everyone that loved the one you lost, together in one place, to say their last goodbyes...

But of course, things can't always be that simple with my family. 

In the last few days, my mum, my aunt, me, my brother and sister, and my cousins - every direct family member - have been blocked (our numbers and Facebook profiles) by his wife. For no reason at all. My mum has been nothing but supportive, not just in the last week, but throughout the entire time we've known her. And as soon as he's no longer with us, she drops us like flies. 

My aunt rang the funeral director in the hopes of finding out when the funeral is, as we have no way of contacting her to find out. She was told that she has specifically requested that he not tell anyone when or where the funeral is taking place, and because she is the next of kin, he has to respect her wishes. 

How anyone can be so cruel, so evil, as to stop someone from going to their own dad's funeral is simply disgusting. Grief does some weird things to people, but we can't pin in down to that. There's no excuse for what she's done, and quite frankly, she can rot for all I care! At the end of the day, we can live knowing that we did absolutely nothing wrong to warrant being treated like that. She has to live with the guilt of stopping her late husband's family from saying goodbye to him. 

We will of course be having our own memorial back home, planting a tree in our garden for him, and setting off some helium balloons, and remembering him how we'd like to - without this horrible, evil, bitch of a woman in tow.

It just puts everything from the last 15 years into question. We welcomed her into our family. We thought she'd accepted us as family too. But what if all of it was a lie? What if she was playing us all from the start? Maybe she was always after the little money my grandad had, so as soon as he is gone, she wants nothing more to do with us. If there is truth to that, I just don't see why she couldn't have waited until after the funeral to drop us. She's a disgusting, evil woman, and I'm glad to have nothing to do with her from now on.

I know this has been a very ranty post, and to be honest, I'm not even sure if I'm going to upload it. I've always said that this blog is a form of therapy for me, and I just needed to write out my feelings. I don't expect anyone to have finished this post, but if you have, thank you. I hope that none of you have to experience anything like this when you're trying to grieve a loved one. 

Blogmas Day 16: Birthday Thanks

Welcome to Blogmas Day 16, which just so happens to be my 21st birthday *happy dance*! I intend on spending the day with some of my favourite people, so unfortunately this post isn't too exciting. Tomorrow's however, should definitely make up for it! 

I just wanted to use today's post as a way to say thank you, to all of my friends and family, for every card, present, or well-wish I've received today. I feel like I don't say it enough. So thank you. I'm so lucky to have people in my life who care about me enough to do these little things. 

Take time out of your day to thank someone. Whether it's your parents, a sibling, a boyfriend/girlfriend, a friend, anyone who you appreciate. Just say thank you for being a part of your life.

Lastly, I want to thank you. Thank you for reading my rants. Thank you for every view, every like, favourite, retweet or follow. I'm grateful to each and every one of you. So thank you. 

Father's Day

This post isn't to bitch about my dad. I love him, I do, he's just been more of a silent figure in my life rather than an active one like a lot of dads out there. My parents divorced when I was 2 and a half, so I've only ever known my mum to be an active parent to me, my brother and sister.

When my dad lived closer, we'd see him every fortnight for the weekend. He'd take us out and do dad stuff, then take us back home to our mum until next time. When I was about 10, the visits got a lot less frequent, and after a series of strange events, he ended up moving to Manchester, a 5 hour drive from Essex. We now see him no more than twice a year, with phone calls every few weeks. 

But anyway, the whole point of this is to be able to celebrate the day with my mum, the woman who has raised 3 kids completely on her own, and turned them into respectable human beings. Imagine being left on your own after a stressful divorce, and not being able to have a breakdown or even appear to be upset, because you have a 5 year old, a 2 year old and a 6 month old baby to look after. I can't. 

She worked her butt off all year in a not-so-well-paid job, and cut back on spending money on herself so that we would all get to do the things we wanted to do (me and my sister to dance, my brother to play ice hockey), and to take us on a holiday every year. I never once felt like I missed out on any childhood experience from not living in a single parent family. 

My beautiful mother has lived her life for her kids, and I can't put into words how much I love her for that. I hope one day I can do something big to repay her for everything she's done for me. 

I love you, mama! 

Home Is Where The Heart Is

I have been SUCH a bad blogger recently. I haven't posted in a bout 2 weeks, and I even missed the last #2014BloggerChallenge topic. So to make up for it, I'm posting this week's challenge a little early (and the fact that I've had such a good weekend I feel the need to write about it!).

This week's challenge is to show my week/day in pictures. I opted for the weekend instead, as I spent the weekend visiting my hometown for Mother's Day. I have a very love/hate relationship with this place. I live on the border of East London/Essex, in a pretty shoddy area! I mean, they say that the public transport is amazing, but when I opted to walk home instead of waiting 7 minutes for a bus from the station, not one single bus had passed me on the 20 minute walk. Win for me. Loss for TFL.

I got the 12:25 train on Friday from Canterbury to Stratford International, and had an obligatory stop at Westfield on my walk through to the other station, where I bought some loooooverly flowers for my mum (I also cut them and put them in a vase for when she got home!).

After a little bit of retail therapy, I got the train to my local station, and walked the 20 minutes home, with just my music and this cat for company!

Some of the best things about this walk is seeing the TFL bus stops and buses, instead of the regular ones in Canterbury, There's just something about a red bus... And of course, the out-of-business Blockbusters shop that's been closed for the last 5 years and still hasn't been replaced!

One of my favourite things about being home, is the big TV in the living room, and the ability to watch programmes other than what's on Freeview. In my case, that's non-stop Friends episodes on Comedy Central! 

After spending a mere hour in the comfort of my home, I was rushed out to a night of yet more retail therapy to Lakeside (and IKEA!) with some of my favourite people from home; my friends Rebekah, Jaymi, Sophia & Jordan. Believe me when I say we're a very strange group of friends...

After taking our #100HappyDays pictures for the day (you can check out my progress on my Instagram page!) , I got one of my favourite smoothies from Boost, Strawberry Squeeze, which I always miss very dearly when I'm at uni! It's like a fruit party in your mouth!

After a long day of travelling and shopping, I turned in for the night in my childhood bedroom. Although I'm now used to the luxury of a double bed at uni, there's something comforting about sleeping in your old room...

I was picked up on Saturday morning by Sophia, where we treated ourselves to ANOTHER shopping trip! Apparently I was feeling quite frivolous this weekend! Though I did buy some really lovely summery things... And Marvel... 

We then got Chinese in the evening and watched Ant & Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway (a weekly tradition when I was younger!), and evened out the junk food with a yummy bowl of strawberries and cream! 

And now for Sunday: Mother's Day! My sister couldn't make it down until Monday, so me and my brother took my Mum to Westfield for something to eat. We decided on the Chicago Rib Shack, which is basically an American diner-style takeaway that specialises in BBQ food (ribs, chicken wings and burgers!). I ordered ribs and wings with homemade lemonade. Honestly, it baffled me that it was part of a food court - it was worthy of being a real restaurant!

I had such a lovely weekend at home - I hadn't been back since Christmas! As much as I love uni, it's nice to just get away from that atmosphere for a while, and spend some quality time with my old friends and family. I also managed to get my mum involved in some selfies! ;)

How did you spend your weekend? I hope it was as lovely as mine was!